The Lazy Jedi

What do you do if you are in a relationship but can’t stop thinking of an ex? What if that ex is over you? What if the happiness of new love is worth giving up on for the slimmest of chances of rekindling old love?

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.

Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love”  (via kanyequeen)

When I read #1, I thought about how my ex-husband was 22 years old and was too embarrassed to buy condoms and would make me do that job for him so I continued reading and realized everything above happened to be lessons he needs to learn himself.

(via helainetieu)

Number 8 tho. 😂

(via littlestsunfl0wer)

This is a good list.

potatoknishesofficial:

this is what hell looks like

Classic

Classic

pornhubcommentsonstockphotos:

h/t tfwnolocke

wrestlingchampions:

On this day: Making good on interim WWF President Roddy Piper’s decree that there must be a winner in the 60 minute Iron Man match for the WWF Title, President Gorilla Monsoon orders Sudden Death Overtime after Shawn Micahels and Bret Hart go scoreless, leading to HBK twice hitting Sweet Chin Music to win his first WWF Championship. (3/31/96)

unamusedblogger:

whenever i post a text post on tumblr

image

bear1na:

Batman by Bruce Timm

bear1na:

Batman by Bruce Timm